Just what i needed today - motivation and faith

"The world always seems brighter when you've made something 

that wasn't there before."

                                                                                               - Neil Gaiman

I haven't been writing for some time as it was so upsetting and disappointing when you have no views. The feeling that no one cared or even bothered. And now i sat down to check if i have missed out on any of my bill payments for last month. But before that, an instinct to get into my blog. Oh my, I see 1 view for each of my post. It may just be 1 but this feeling is just unexplainable. It made me even want to write right now instead of doing what i sat here for. If only i can know who that soul is.

Recently i got myself into Twitter and honestly there are no regrets. Most of those i know discouraged me to create a Twitter account stating that 'no one uses Twitter now', 'who even tweets now', 'but why?' and many other reasons. But i went ahead because i needed a new platform to get to know people, their lifestyles especially people from different parts of the world, how do they live and many more other stuffs. Each day, i get to know so much from around the world, amazed by things, foods, experiences which i didn't even know existed though i travelled a lot before the pandemic.

The knowledge i gained from Twitter is much more than i did through reading. I feel happy communicating with people and when i do it with those i don't even know gives out a different vibe. I am done with negative, bad and unhealthy vibes surrounding me. It's about time i get all these axed out from me.

Each day passes

There are days i want to write.

There are days i don't want to write.

There are days i feel to write but eventually i didn't.

And there were days i don't feel like writing but i did.... just like now.

I started to blog and now i am asking myself why did i even start blogging. I read my first 2 blogs but i still ask myself "Why did i start blogging?".

A new job

And yes, i have started on a new job just last week. A good 1 week hands-on training. Not too bad. Initially when i attended this interview, it was a 40 mins interview. When i was 15 mins through it, trust me i had this strong feeling that.... nah i am not going to pass this interview. The questions were tough as i am never good at selling my strengths and worth confidently. 

Late morning at 1100 hrs the following day, my mobile rang, an unknown number. And i answer all calls regardless of whether the number is familiar or not due to emergency calls. And the call was something which made my day. The agent from the employment agency was on the other line. He surprised me by starting off "Hey, Hi Jacinta. This is Joel here. Congratulations, you have got the offer for yesterday's interview." I was dumbfounded, lost for words even to say 'oh seriously'. And he continued "But before i brief you further, i need to inform you that the hiring manager was impressed with you and is offering you a 12 mths contract instead of the stated 6 mths. If you are ok with this, i will proceed with what you need to do next." And me here who is actually looking for a permanent job of course accepted the 12 mths contract offer.

Honestly, in the first place i was not sure if i could do this job because i do not a finance working experience or academic background and i have not done a KPI requirement job before. I have all along been into Human Resource and manpower in the military for 20 years. But the agent recommended me this position and urged me to give it a shot as he felt this position would be suitable for me. Well, he was right and maybe that's why i heard he's a good recruitment consultant. This 1 week of training went on well and my hiring manager was impressed with the results. On my 4th day, i was able to clear 8 out of 10 cases on my own without supervision. And i ought to give myself a pat on my back "Well done."

I am officially commencing my first day of work tomorrow at my actual working location and i am looking forward to it.

I miss travelling :(

If there is something i can state as one of my passion or interest, i would say is travelling. And i am missing it a lot. 

2 years hmmm indeed a long time. As a Singaporean, i envy those living in big countries, they get to travel around inter-states of their countries. Singapore is a small island and it only takes maximum 45 mins moving from one end to the other end of the island.

Even in this covid isolation period, i am grateful that Singapore did not go through a major lockdown. A circuit breaker was more than a trauma for many. Though i know for a fact that my neighbours out there are less fortunate of not being able to even breathe the fresh air from their residences, the discomfort of wearing the mask is still a frustrating thing. The warm air u breathe within the mask and more annoying would be the fog on your spectacles each time you breathe out.

Once the borders reopen, travelling is still not advisable :( and that's pretty sad for someone who usually spends her long weekends and festival holidays abroad.

And needless to say, having a sister abroad; i thank Skype and watsapp video calls.

Resuming into the "book world"

It has been years since i got my hands on books; in fact on any reading materials. To relief all that free time which got me over-thinking and bringing me to face tears, fear, confusion within myself during the recent months, hopefully reading would get me out from this.

I have resumed into the "book world" in 2021 and since i have always love to read, this is helping me quite well to be honest. Hopefully this assistance does not wear off quickly. And i intend to write about the books i read; my emotions, opinions, recommendations and suggestions. And i am hoping to receive recommendations and suggestions of reading materials for me to read as well.

I just finished reading the book attached above. A beautiful novel of 2 neighbours who became best of friends and subsequently business partners of a pie cafe. Looking into the lives of 2 mothers who adapted from different backgrounds and experiences in life come together to understand each other and stand by each other as and when either of them needs the other.

This book made me explore life's positivity and cued me with confidence. Over the course of time, we have lived and grown. However, our dreams are possible if we firmly withdraw from our comfort zones, seek the possibilities and work towards where we want to see ourselves in the future.

Where am i?

During the time when i was at the lowest point of my life and at the verge of under a depression spell, i happened to come across some videos of a person. He happened to cheer me up each time i watched his videos. And i turned to those sources as a reliever to my tears. Recently he started podcasting and needless to say i enjoyed every episode of it.

I came across his Tweet an hour ago. He mentioned about picking up a passion, sharpening it and making it your career. I admire the confidence he has within himself and the risk he took to achieving his passion.

This got me thinking about myself. Why is it i can never fight through my interests, hobbies, passions for long? I get so mentally and emotionally tired of trying and trying to achieve what i want to. I started blogging and tweeting and even considering to do YouTube sharing but will i achieve what i want to. What do i even want to achieve from these social network to begin with?

I get a little relieve each time i blog my feelings and whatever i feel i want to say here. But how long is this going to be? When will the day come when i can sigh off the last breath of my emptiness? Have i lost my crown forever which was the spark on my wings?

For years, I used to write poems and write stories out from comics. Eventually i stopped, why and how it happened.... i do not know. Years back, I was into volunteering which i value more than anything i did (in a hospital); conversations with young patients and their parents, listening to them, lifting up their confidence, making a difference to their lives.... And why did i even stop that.... I do not know. Why am i not being able to focus? I want to resume all of these, but they seem to have gone too faraway from me.

"Tears are words that need to be written"

                                        - Paulo Coelho

Hoping so those words will be vanished by my smiles someday.

Lived a nightmare

Nightmares are dreams as well. And it was such a nightmare which i wished i never had. I would have not even slept last night if i knew. My bad dreams come true 80% compared to my nice ones. My nice dreams frequently remain as dreams.

Usually on every night, it would take me about 15 mins of tossing and turning on bed before i am asleep. Last night was one of the few nights i was too tired, my eyes were feeling heavy. I only remembered lying on the bed covering myself with the comforter.

I was in a large hall with a colleague and there are works to be done on the wall which was at a height where a cantilever ladder was required. There were two handymen standing on the cantilever ladder doing some patching job on the wall. Me and my colleague were there to ensure the job was done before signing the service invoice. Almost close to an hour and the job was done. One of the handyman came down the ladder and handed us the service invoice to be signed while the other was still on the cantilever ladder packing the toolbox before making his way down.

The moment where i wished i had woken up. Why did my mobile not ring before this part of the nightmare..... so i could have got up from my sleep.

The man on the cantilever ladder was about to climb down while communicating loudly with the other man who was standing next to us. My fingers are getting numb to even pen down that awful incident here.

The man slipped.... was this really happening.... he slipped. And he fell, we were running towards him. Before i reached him, i fell back when i realized his hand got severed. What was i even witnessing. This isn't happening.

The worse thing was i kept going back to the part where the man was getting down the cantilever ladder hoping that he would not fall the next time but it happened for the second time and yet again the third time and i opened my eyes looking at the dark blue wall of my room. There was a huge sign of relief in me but yet a thought in me asking myself what was that incident trying to tell me.